Just recently turned 28 and thought it's about time to share some of the insights and revelations I've had for at least this past year.
I've been on a spiritual journey...I want to say, my whole life. Unconsciously, at first, aways trying to get somewhere, find and understand myself. Now it's more about moving towards staying present with whatever life brings, exploring myself. Still stuck in my mind most of the time and absolutely addicted to thinking, though. Mainly because of my mind's strong patterns - to still get somewhere other than to be here and now.
These past few years feel like I've been on a quest to find out why I keep struggling. I went through all sorts of soul searching, from psychedelics to meditation and yoga practice. I can probably write a whole fucking book about struggling - that's how good I am at it.
It has been too much of a burden for me lately - to keep it all inside and I feel an overwhelming need to share my feelings and open up. This is one of my biggest struggles in life - being open. Open up to people and show my "true self" is something I was never good at. I do it with all my heart, eventually - once I gain full trust in people I open up to. This is some kind of protective mechanism of mine - to keep everything to myself, to protect my inner world because deep, deep down there is a feeling inside of me that the world is a very insecure and dangerous place. A place where you have to struggle and survive, where people you love may suddenly pass away, where there is so much war, violence and unconsciousness children are born into that it becomes a struggle to find to find their way even before they are born, a place where you will keep suffering until you STOP. And see it clearly for what it is.
Several thousand miles away from the place I was born in and three and a half years apart from my mom and friends, I have finally reached the point.
I am ready to stop. And just see it for it is.
What I was able to bring back from the moments of silence is truly amazing --
I have a lot of pain inside of me. All that pain doesn't belong to me. It's more of a collective pain of several generations, a lot of my mother's pain that I carry inside of my own body. I have to let it all go. It's not mine, it blocks the energy centers, it's a very intense physical feeling in the form of tension in the body.
Time to stop and sit silently.
Once I gained some clarity, I could see it - I keep protecting my inner world, my self, my "separate" ego structure. I keep unconsciously reinforcing the patterns that are not only not serving me but are borderline destructive. I keep running away from the pain inside of me, trying to get somewhere where I wil feel better. While life is giving me the same lesson - there is nowhere to run, there is no one in there to hide from, there is nothing inside of me to protect.
All my spiritual searchings narrowed down to a few simple insights: Stop. Let go. Open your heart.
I am pretty damn tired of being the enemy to my own self. Trying to hide, to pretend, to shut down and keep it all to myself trying to figure it all out in my head. I am so tired of suffering, attaching to things that never last and thinking that I can figure it all out one day.
Some of the old thinking patterns are not serving me any more and I see it clearly. As well as I see that I have a choice to live my life supporting these old patterns. Or not.